This entry is going to be a bit dry.

Last Friday, I went out with a bunch of classmates from Japanese Beginners class to LAN. So this is my very first time I went to the city with a bunch of friends by myself (as in not with any of my family members). That last sentence is going to make me look like some hermit I admit.

That day I met up with John and Mushfiq in university, and we started to walk towards a bus stop. Since we didn't have any lunch yet, we decided to go to a Japanese restaurant (very fitting for a bunch of Japanese language students). We finished our meals and went to look for Jack, the one who was going to bring us to a LAN cafe. Finally we followed Daniel (who came quite late) to find his lunch.

Finally we went to the LAN, and each of us, except Daniel, took a computer each. We started off with Starcraft II, in which I teamed up with Mushfiq while Jack teamed up with John. It was a 2v2 between me (Terran) and Mushfiq (Zerg) against Jack (Protoss) and John (Protoss). Mushfiq was very bad at Starcraft II. I was warned but I didn't expect it to be that bad. He was useful however as a meat shield since he spawned nearer to the entrance of our base. We won simply because of my macro. Mushfiq was almost dead in mid-game when Jack brought a couple of void rays into Mushfiq's base. Essentially it was a 1v2 and I thought what better units against Protoss than mech units? My mass Thors with 2-2 upgrades simply demolished their troops which consisted mainly stalkers, immortals and one colossus.

All of us decided that Starcraft 2 was unbalanced because of me and then we decided to play DotA instead.
Again Mushfiq was a liability as he fed to both me and John. Jack was great at DotA. As Mushfiq described the scene in his Facebook, "Most of the time Jack was yelling at me and face palming at how bad I was when we teamed up in DotA. Eric and John just laughed and Daniel.... well he just played DS in the corner.".

I think at that point I was thinking why did Daniel come in the first place? He doesn't play any popular computer games, he was whining about it even before we met up that Friday and even though we told him that he need not come, he came anyway. I could only theorize that he was attempting to guide us to his favorite things like bringing his 3DS so all of us would like have his attention on him.



At this point I must clarify to all readers that yes while I am probably bitching about him, I have no intention of making him an enemy. There's no point to it. I am also not the kind who makes enemies easily. Unless that person stepped on my tail intentionally, he's name will not be on my enemy list. Daniel is just a guy who is a little self-obsessed and has done nothing yet to hurt me.

So during this period of absence I had returned to the army to finish my remaining service. Honestly it felt rather comfortable even though the notion of going back to camp is sickening. At least that pace of life was familiar and that I had fun socializing with both old and new faces in the camp. While I was in camp, many of the seniors, who had worked with HS, KM and myself, mentioned that the juniors were fucked up and that they missed the working style of the past, asking me to "do something". Although I can accept the logic of reminiscing the past, I couldn't agree to that my juniors were fucked up. Everyone has different way of working and I think that the seniors couldn't handle the new way. Moreover I felt that I couldn't have contributed in any way. I am weak. Usually I would use the word 'relative' because I believe that the notion of characteristic adjectives such as 'tall', 'short' and 'weak' are compared against what is considered norm of 'tall'. Truth is I am weak in an absolute manner because I am unable to change my environment. If I was strong, I would have made the place more disciplined and had everyone to listen to my beck and call. Yes, I am weak to the extent that I am influenced by external force. I am slowly, but surely, dragged into the 'reality' that I had always dread, the 'reality' that is shared by many adults.

Although now I had ORD-ed from national service, I do not feel like a free man at all. Once I finish my four years of study in university, I doubt I can immediately get a job in music industry. I would have to go back to Singapore and do my re-service. Honestly I am sick and tired of the society and the people around me who try their best to slow me down. Can I not be left pursuing my interest in peace? For the record, at this moment I am feeling frustrated and insecure because I am very afraid that my road to game music composition will be a very rough one. I am aware that the path to become a full fledged game music composer is not easy but I don't want it to be harder than it is already because of these external factors. And I want to mention that I still bear grudges to everyone (including my parents) who hindered my musical studies. I do thank my parents who sponsored my to study in this specialized field however but why couldn't they had realized it earlier that I DEFINITELY want to enter a music college. Is it so hard to see that my interest is in music alone? Why send me to ridiculous institutions and make my life a living hell (that is an expression really, I have yet to see 'true' hell). I can come up with many reasons up in my head right now but it will not be sufficient to justify the act. So while many young fledgling musicians at the age of 12 were studying music formally, I started at the age of 21. The numbers are exactly reversed. I quote myself, "Sucks to be me".

I am pretty sure that there will be many who will say that I am not counting my blessings. I am not an optimist in nature. The cup will seem half empty to me. If you are born in an affluent family, it is truly a blessing (I really do consider that believe me). However, when you are in an affluent family and they refuse to let you develop your obvious talent despite having the resources, would that still be a blessing? I really have to question that whether it is a blessing or not.

And I think I will end it here as it is getting late and I am getting tired of my own anger. There is one last thing that I'll write here as I need to get it off my chest (I do not care if people are reading this or not). I have a serious inferiority complex and a fucked up mental state. I hope someone will shed some light to me and show me the way to obtain peace within myself.

One fine day, I went up to my professor to review some of the topics that were taught during lectures. He said things like,"Eric, it's two weeks to exam. And two weeks is a long time.". Oh how wrong he was.

Tomorrow is the start of the exam week and truth to be told I have yet to do anything that was worthwhile for that past two weeks. Honestly, it's not that I don't want to study; I have no idea how to study. The only thing that I can do to help myself is to keep my spirits up and kid myself that everything will work out just alright. Unfortunately the rest of the people around me don't seem to help me in that part. It is however understandable because I had not told them anything about the problem that I'm facing right now. Why bother telling them? The more stuff I say the more unnecessary things I have to hear from them. Especially my mother. I am not one who will patiently listen to someone saying things that does not have any relations to my issue or topic of discussion. Listening them will not only raise my blood pressure but also waste my already scarce time. No doubt that my mother is a kind person and has no ill intentions towards me (something I hope that is true), it is still infuriating to be listening to useless ramblings. Even if she has some things worth listening to, I'd rather be playing some piano (it is difficult however because there are people who cannot appreciate classical music) or be playing games. Playing games, as many people would view, is the most effective way of wasting time. I strongly disagree because I do not simply play the game, I listen to the music of the game, I watch the scene while the music is playing, and then I attempt to learn the style of the music and analyze how well and how effective the music and the scene goes together. It is something I do for other media such as presentation videos, TV shows, movies etc. That is the reason why I want to enter a music school so badly: I want to be able to compose my own music for these medias. I want to tell people how I feel for that event/scene and I hope that my music can "amplify" or "superimpose" the emotions that are felt in their bodies.

At this moment all I can do is to pray that everything goes smoothly. I just hope to pass this first semester and keep getting better at the next semester and better again at the next semester and so on and so forth. 老天爷情保护我。そして、拙者はがんばります。

I'm finally back. It had been so long since (exactly 1 year 10 months) I last blogged. Truthfully speaking, there wasn't much that I felt it was worth blogging at all. After the GCE 'A' levels, life got quite a slump as I enter army, meeting people who are not agreeable, working under a idiotic person. The more I write to more hateful I feel. The only few things I gained from these few years are some good friends, life lessons and perhaps an opportunity to practice music more to raise my chance into entering a music course in university.

Indeed, ever since Junior College I admit that I find the world very grey. Initially I hate the world for what it is, how it is so ruthless, how uncaring and how realistic people's mindset are. People just tell you straight in your face that to pursue your dream is but a fool's errand, one path that has no end in sight. I understand but resented the idea how there are so many courses in universities that are relatively easy to enter and also relatively easier to enter the workforce with that certificate once graduating. At the same time I thought to myself why is it so hard to make music as a living. During junior college, probably like any other "emo" teenagers, I fell in love with the alternate rock band Linkin Park for its songs. Their lyrics was so easy to relate to, things like "nobody's listening", "you like to think you're never wrong" and above all "tired of being what you want me to be" were almost exactly what I was feeling at that point in my life. Gathering energy from their deep, mellow rock acoustics, I took my anger and shove it at innocent parties, one of them who is a kind person but still tried to support me while we were going through 'A' levels together. Things were simply not going in my way for sure during junior college even though I was not having high expectations such as getting good grades or being super popular during my time in junior college. There was an expectation that was not met and I still cannot forget is that I was unable to take H2 music in junior simply because the teacher was afraid that I will put in too much effort into that subject and eventually neglect the subjects. In my mind, even at this moment, still feel that it would had been better to give me a subject of my interest, for it would had brightened by life just a little. The light is brightest at the darkest room.

Going through that mandatory national service was obviously disgusting. Most Singaporean male will tell you that. It's the truth. Go out and pick any guy of the street of Orchard road or at the hawkers' centre and ask them if they had enjoyed their time in service. I shall not write anymore of the time I spent in NS as I, deep down in my heart, hope to forget all the disgusting time that had happened in there.

Of course not everything about national service is bad. To be more precise, some of the people whom I walked with, talked with had helped me directly or indirectly. There was this guy, I shall call him Mr. W, whom was my section mate in camp. Mr. W was a cool guy, he had a bright personality, was one who like to think out of the boundaries, and he was very supportive. One fine day, I hitched a ride on his father's car, and I talked to him (or rather I complained) about how no one gives me the support to pursue my life interest. Although I forgot most of (if not all) the words he had said that day, I still remember that his voice was caring, soft, gentle and firm, and he was telling me that I should not listen to others and listen to my own voice. Yes, despite how I look I am very concerned with how people view me. "The society's point of view..." used to be my favorite/detested phrase that I often used time and time again. How society generalized musicians as poor street buskers and how society deemed that polytechnic is strictly for those who are not able to enroll into junior college, or in a more blunt manner, those who cannot study. For the benefit of the readers, I firmly state that these are not words out of my own head or mouth but rather from people around me. His words gave me the courage to push forward once more, for the sake of myself and not others.

There's another two person whom I worked with for quite some time. These two gentlemen, Mr. H and Mr. K, were very nice people. Before I start to describe them, I really want to apologize to them for all the trouble that I had caused while working with them. Mr. H in my point of view was a very strong person, both physically and mentally. I really admired how he can view things in a more positive manner, and how he brushes off difficult situations easily. It is not an easy thing to do, to forgive someone who consciously make your life difficult, not for me anyways. Snakes are calculative creatures who will forever remember a debt to repay. Even though Mr. H is also a snake, he sure don't act like one. There was a time where I once again complained about how nobody respects people pursuing their interest such as music and art, and how those people who chose generic subjects such as accounting and engineering were so boring. Incidentally, Mr. H is looking forward to study accounting in NUS. But Mr. H kept cool and told me that people are free to choose whatever they want to learn. Obviously there are so many flaws in that statement that I do not know where to start. However I realized my insensitivity and never said anything after that.

Mr. K was a fine gentleman. He was smart, diligent, hardworking, kind, polite, disciplined, all the attributes that I always admired and that I do not possess. He was like a role model, one that I want to be and ironically not want to be at the same time. Mr. K and I have differences obviously, and just because he has what I like to have does not mean that I have to be a Mr. K. The two were always at the workplace, and standing beside them made me feel smaller. However their warm gestures make me feel comfortable, even in a foreign place.

That year was the year of the tiger and it was certainly not a good year for snakes since we are turned off by the tiger's pride. Not to mention that that year I needed to whether was I eligible to enter University of Western Australia as a music student. However, Mr. H and Mr. K, along with other few people, constantly told me not to worry and even helped me to get some of the paper works done. These people certainly were like an oasis in a desert, a place that allowed myself to regain some sanity again and words can't contain the amount of gratitude I have for them.

There's another two individuals that I must mention no matter what. SpecialistFriend and PianoFanatic. These two are the closest friends I have so far. One day during my service, while I was slowly adapting to that grey world, they sent me a mail from Australia. The letter contains encouragement and asked me how I am with my piano. I was so touched to the point that I really want to call them immediately and say that I love them so much. Despite being miles apart, despite being connected to the internet, despite myself not being in contact with them, they spent time and effort writing a letter to me, a letter full of nostalgic senses. I wanted to compose a song for them as a way of saying thanks but even until now I have yet to write a song that befits that intention.

Now, thanks to the god(s) above, I am a real music student and I am currently contented with what I am going through right now. It is nearly my ideal educational place. I get to study music full-time and I get to choose Japanese language as my elective. Music and Japanese were what I always wanted to study since young. Seriously. Sometimes I wondered to myself why wasn't I in this environment from the start, why did everyone expected me to take up "real" subjects such as veterinarian or engineering even though they knew that I love music more than anything else. As my friend put it, "at least I had the chance to pursue what I like". Sure, it is highly likely that I'll become another music teacher, however I promised myself that I will work hard to be a game music composer. At this precise moment I am thinking whether do I mind being a ghost in search of music if I am unable to become a game music composer within my mortal lifespan.

Next week is my end-of-semester examination. Although I honestly had been slacking recently, I also honestly had worked hard since the start of semester. I pray to the god(s) again, just let me get through this period smoothly. I had been a good boy have I not?

Holy smokes! The last post was on December! And most people thought this site is dead!

In any case, today is a good day for me! Hence I decide to write it down.

First thing! I got into MP!
Second thing! I won Frederick in SC!
Last thing! I won Zhe Xuan in SC too!

DAMN THAT FELT GOOD!

Today's entry will be much much shorter because I'm still trying to attain the status of no life.

Regardless, today my brother came back from camp. Naturally, it is his first time he touched the Guitar Hero: World Tour drum kit and he could only play the easy-medium difficulty. Not to brag around here, but I play the hard-expert difficulty. When he watched me playing the drums, he was saying stuff like,"Everyday you play guitar hero, seriously no life man."

Before I go on, I must make one thing clear. Just because I can play hard-expert difficulty, it does not make me a no life. I'm serious! We bought that game just 3 days ago and I play WoW more than GH: WT. The game just come more naturally to me than him. Just admit it man, you're a n00b. I'm the l33t here w00t! Just take it like a man! ROTFLOL.

Bet he'd kill me if he read this.

Yesterday, I woke up and I noticed my classmates (206 of YJC-2008) were all studying. Suddenly I have this anxiety and I asked them what is going on. They did not reply, and continued to bury their heads into their lecture notes. Then I began to wonder, where's my entry proof? I began looking for that ridiculous sheet of paper through my mountain of chemistry notes, and I suddenly realized that I tore that entry proof after my physics paper in November.

That's when I realized I was still dreaming and I woke up, screaming f**k.

Idiot! Even after GCE Examination was over, it continues to haunt me. Curse you exams! Leave me alone! I want to play my WoW and Guitar Hero: World Tour in peace!

Talking about it, me and my brother bought the Guitar Hero: World Tour for Xbox 360. I was rocking like how I rocked when I bought my Guitar Hero 3: Legends of Rock. It's all damn cool man. I became the lead guitarist for my band (consisting only my brothers and myself), my eldest brother the drummer and my younger brother as the lead singer. It was all cool. As my eldest brother is the least inclined towards music, it was up to me and my younger brother to perform better to mask my eldest brother's disgusting drumming. So far the saddest part of this sequel is that there's no song called "Dragonforce - Through the fire and flames". Hardcore GH players will understand why I suppose. At least there are a few good songs. My favourites so far:

- Bon Jovi - Livin' on a prayer
- Michael Jackson - Beat it
- Eagles - Hotel California

That's it for today I guess. I hope I can pass my NAPFA on my test date.

P.S. My rogue is now level 63. Just 7 more levels and I call call myself no-life.